The Omnivore's Near Incarceration

"So the judge looks at me," said Bob McKee, "and he shakes his head and just says 'turkeys? You're here because of turkeys?'"

Yes he was, because Bob McKee, psychologist at North Shore Middle School, was not the dedicated man he seemed. True, he so deceived the students and teachers at the school that virtually all of them would have called him one of the most caring and decent people they had ever met. Sadly, McKee had a dark secret, one that a conscientious neighbor bravely brought to light with an anonymous phone call to the police, two days before Thanksgiving:

Bob McKee was raising two turkeys in his backyard.

"I had read 'The Omnivore's Dilemma,' about the need to raise the animals we eat in a conscientious and humane way," McKee said, recounting the twisted mindset that led to his devious plan. "I figured that by raising turkeys for Thanksgiving, I would teach my children a lesson in humanity. I wanted to teach them that what we eat is indeed God's creation."

"They were almost part of the family," McKee said. "Pesticide free, hormone free. I wanted my kids to see how meat tastes when it's free of that stuff. It was a sacrifice to raise those turkeys in my yard, and I wanted my kids to see being humane requires sacrifice. We should respect what we eat."

Two days before Thanksgiving, in a daring raid, officers from the Town of Babylon Quality of Life squad swarmed the McKee household.

"This woman from the town threatened me with a 1000 dollar fine, and possible incarceration if I didn't respond to this. I was supposed to get rid of the turkeys, but that was always the plan; I mean, I was going to eat them, after all. But no, the town said I had to get rid of them immediately, and I refused. One of them went to my brother. He said it was the best turkey he ever ate."

McKee finally went to trial on March 8th.

It was a sensational trial, one that legal scholars will, no doubt, write about for years to come.

"The Judge had cases that day where he was dealing with things like major toxic waste spills," McKee said. "Then he got to my case, and he just started laughing."

After a few questions, the judge-clearly demonstrating activist tendencies by expressing the shocking belief that two turkeys in a backyard were not as severe as a toxic waste spill-dismissed McKee's case.

"By this time, the whole courtroom was laughing," McKee said. The judge said 'let this be a lesson to the court: get your turkeys at Zorns or McKees.'"

"I ate the other turkey for Christmas," McKee said. "Best turkey I ever had."

As residents of Long Island and citizens of the United States, we can take pride as we see our law enforcement and legal system--paid for with tax dollars--so hard at work.